The lyrics of the song by The Clash “I Fought the Law” were shamelessly stolen and edited for this post. Just how does a biscuit win? You may ask. I’ll get there, but to appreciate it you have to know the whole story.
I hike a lot. That’s pretty obvious from my previous posts on this blog and anyone that knows me. It’s my happy place. Most of my hiking is in Bankhead National Forest, specifically the Sipsey Wilderness. Most of my hikes are in the 10-12 mile range, so long distance hiking is new to me.
You are probably also aware I’ve been training for the Trailblaze Challenge (26.3 mile day hike) to raise awareness and money for the Alabama Make-A-Wish Foundation. In order to prepare us, the foundation has training hikes similar to the elevation and distance of the “real” hike. Since I do hike quite a bit, I have done some hikes on my own, but haven’t participated in many of the official training hikes until recently. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of the official training hikes have been in the rain or just after a rain in the mud and slop. That’s just not fun hiking. BUT through this experience, I have found shoes and socks that work for me (18 miles in the rain without blisters), rain gear that keeps me dryish (but warm), and MY natural hiking pace among other things. I was feeling pretty confident.
This past weekend was the last training hike close to my house and it had been clear all week. I was looking forward to hiking long distance (20 mile range) in better conditions. All was well. My stuff was packed. I got up and headed to the trailhead, but stopped on the way at a gas station close to the house and picked up a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit to eat on the way. And so entered the evil that was to plague me for the next few hours….
The delicious and hot sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit was tasty as I ate it on my way to the trailhead, yet seemed a bit different from usual. I thought it was because it was hot and fresh instead of sitting in the warmer a few hours before eating. That should have been my first clue.
I arrived at the trailhead a few minutes before anyone else and I parked my car and was going to relax and eat the last bite or two of the biscuit before getting out. By this time, the evil and foul sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit had hit my stomach and started the revolt. Uh oh…
I had no time to react. I barely made it out of the car and into the grass before reenacting the famous scene from “The Exorcist.” I could swear my head was spinning around as I decorated the grass in front of my car.
I was light headed, incoherent, and barely able to move. I slowly made it back to my car and set down before the revolt in my stomach called in reinforcements. Once again, I ran for the grass (making it to the bathroom was out of the question) and felt like someone was forcing their hand down my throat and trying to pull my toenails out from the inside.
By this time, other hikers had begun to arrive and check on me. It hurt to blink or breathe and I could barely talk but managed to say “bad biscuit.” There continued to be pockets of resistance in my stomach fighting their way out for the next hour. In pain, sick, and unable to move I appeared to the casual observer to be a passed out, homeless man laid out on the curb talking unintelligibly and having the dry heaves. It was not a pretty sight.
The hike leader verified that I had something to drink, a cell phone, and would be ok before they left for the hike. I felt like I was on an old western movie saying “Go on without me” as I laid there and died. As they walked off in the clear weather, I hugged the curb like a sick drunk hugs the toilet after a long night of celebrating. The cool concrete had the same calming effect of the porcelain (or so I’ve heard).
I was surprised the people living across the street did not call the cops on me. About an hour later I was able to get off the ground and move to the car where I slept for another hour or so. I finally made my way home about lunch. So yeah, the biscuit won that round and I don’t wish to fight again….
Here’s my version of the song:
Hiking in the rain – no sun
I fought the biscuit and it won
I needed mileage ’cause I had none
I fought the biscuit and it won
I fought the biscuit and it won
I fought the biscuit and it won
Up came the biscuit and it feels so bad
Guess my hike is done
The worst feeling that I ever had
I fought the biscuit and it won
I fought the biscuit and the
Laid in the gutter like a homeless bum
I fought the biscuit and it won
I fought the biscuit and it won
I lost my lunch and I lost my fun
I fought the biscuit and it won
I fought the biscuit and it won
Up came the biscuit and it feels so bad
Guess my hike is done
The worst feeling that I ever had
I fought the biscuit and it won
I fought the biscuit and it
I fought the biscuit and it won
I fought the biscuit and it won
I fought the biscuit and it won
I fought the biscuit and it won
I fought the biscuit and it won
I fought the biscuit and it won
I fought the biscuit and it won
I fought the biscuit and it
bad biscuit 